


i feel the chemicals burn (in my bloodstream)

by britishlovers



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Badly written angst, Drug Use, M/M, No Smut, Vomiting, because i'm all about the fluff usually, but louis loves him anyway, fluffy ending?, harry's a little bit broken, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 09:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13120773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishlovers/pseuds/britishlovers
Summary: "You're not a fuckup, Haz." Louis said, his breath causing goosebumps to rise on Harry's skin. Harry didn't answer, he didn't know if he could without starting to cry, so he tightly squeezed his eyes shut and buried his nose deeper into Louis' hair, kissing the top of his head softly.[ or, the one where there's an argument, some alcohol, some tears and some love ]





	i feel the chemicals burn (in my bloodstream)

**Author's Note:**

> hello! so, i was in a writing slump the other day, and decided to do that thing where you shuffle your music and whatever song it lands on, you write based on that song. and, obviously, the song i got was bloodstream by ed sheeran. i'm terrible at writing angst though rip. anyway, i hope you enjoy! let me know x

_I've been spinning now for time_   
_Couple women by my side_   
_I got sinning on my mind_   
_Sipping on red wine_   
_I've been sitting here for ages_   
_Ripping out the pages_   
_How'd I get so faded?_   
_How'd I get so faded?_   
_Oh, no, no, don't leave me alone lonely now_   
_If you loved me how'd you never learn?_   
_Oh, coloured crimson in my eyes_   
_One or two could free my mind_   
_This is how it ends._   
_I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream_   
_Fading out again._   
_I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream_   
_So tell me when it kicks in_

  
The alcohol sliding down Harry's throat burnt, but he had long grown used to the feeling, instead of it being uncomfortable it had become reassuring. On either side of him at the bar where he sat were people, flitting about with their group of friends, dancing, grinding on strangers, laughing. They were here for a good time, but Harry? He was here for one reason and one reason only, to get so fucking smashed that he couldn't remember anything, to numb the pain that had settled in his chest and was slowly taking over his entire body.  
He had only been there for an hour, but already the world was hazy, his eyes glazed and words slurred whenever he asked the bartender, and his friend, Niall, for another drink. The countertop he was leaning on felt cool under his bare arms, the continuous thump thump thump of the music grounding him, the beat in sync with his heart. A girl accidentally bumped into his shoulder while she was leaning over to grab her drink and she muttered out a barely audible apology, but Harry barely paid her any attention.  
"Niall!" he called, his words dragging slightly. He ran a hand through his tangled brown curls, wincing as his fingers snagged on the knots. He was in the process of growing it out, it wasn't yet long enough to touch his shoulders, but it was long enough to prove to be bothersome. Usually he tied it back with a headscarf, but tonight he had forgot, or simply didn't have the effort to tie it around his head.  
Niall approached Harry warily, his eyebrows furrowed in concern as he took in Harry's drunken and sombre appearance. There was a permanent frown on his face and his eyes were brimmed red, as if he had been crying. He hadn't seen his friend like this for a very, very long time.  
"Yeah, mate?" he asked carefully, eyes softening when Harry looked up and met his gaze. Despite the club being full and the drink orders coming in pretty much continuously, Niall always dealt with Harry first, whenever he needed him. Harry had to think about what he wanted to say for a second, before he got the word out coarsely.  
"Another."

  
Niall bit his lip, turning to look at the alcohol cabinet behind him, before slowly turning back to his friend. He knew what he meant, Harry wanted another shot, and technically it was Niall's duty to get him one, but he couldn't find himself moving.  
"Harry mate, I don't think you need anymore.." Niall watched as Harry's eyes hardened, his gaze moving from Niall to lock onto the counter infront of him, at the empty glasses sitting there. His posture had stiffened, and the way his jaw locked made Niall shift uncomfortably.  
"Do-, um," he cleared his throat, moving closer to Harry, leaning in slightly. Harry managed to look up, raising an eyebrow questioningly.  
"Do you want me to call Lou?"  
At the mention of that name, Harry's heart lurched and he turned his head away swiftly, blinking away the tears that were already threatening to spill from his eyes. For fucks sake, the booze was supposed to make him not act like this.

  
"No." he answered coldly, and Niall leaned back, his eyebrows furrowing even more, confusion evident on his face. He stood silently for a second, eyes drifting over Harry's cold yet sad expression, before it all clicked, and he sighed in understanding.  
"Whatever happened between you two, I'm sure it can all be fixed mate, just let me ca-,"  
"Fucking hell, Niall. I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want you to call him. All I fucking want, is another shot, and if you don't get me one, then I'll just get someone else to fucking get me one, and then I'll tell Zayn that you're failing to do your job, okay?" The words came out slurred, the ends blending together slightly.  
Even though the music was blaring, Harry's loud outburst caused Niall to jump slightly. He didn't let his eyes linger, and just swallowed down the guilty lump in his throat as he poured Harry another shot, sliding it across the counter.  
Harry grabbed it, eyeing it for a second, running his fingers over the smooth glass, before he lifted it up and downed it easily, face scrunching up only slightly at the bitter taste.

  
_Earlier in the day_

  
"Look, Harry, I'm not saying you should apply to college right at this moment, I'm just saying maybe you should look into it, you know?" Louis reasoned, trying his best to not to let his voice show the annoyance he was feeling towards Harry's stubbornness. He let his eyes linger on Harry's figure slouched back on the couch, and when he realised he wasn't going to get an answer he huffed, turning back around to continue putting the dishes away.  
Harry stared at the television screen, but the words or images weren't sinking in, it was merely whitenoise. When Louis had texted him asking if he wanted to come over, he was expecting them to curl up on the couch and watch movies, or maybe mess around in bed, not endure another rant from his boyfriend about his future. They had been arguing on and off about it for the last hour. If he knew that this was what was going to happen, he would have stayed in his own flat for the day.  
"I don't even know why you don't want to go to college, you said you got good grades in school, you cou-,"  
"Are you done?" Harry cut in harshly, head turning to meet Louis' eyes as his boyfriend turned back around. He looked at Louis' clenched jaw, he knew how much Louis hated being interrupted, but frankly he didn't care, he knew where this argument was headed.

  
"No, Harry, no, I'm not done. " Louis set down the freshly washed plate he was holding onto the kitchen counter, walking over into the living room, stopping about a metre away from the couch where Harry was sitting. There was a fire in his boyfriends eyes, and Harry shook his head when he realised Louis wasn't going to let it go easy this time.  
"Can you just tell me why you don't want to go?"  
Harry clenched his own jaw, turning to look back at the TV.  
"I've already told you, I just don't want to go. Not all of us want to go to college, Lou."  
"Surely you don't want to work at the same shitty diner for the rest of your life though, Harry."  
Harry turned to Louis quickly, narrowing his eyes. "Shitty? Shitty? You begged me to apply for the job at the diner, Louis. Begged." His voice was starting to rise now, fuck, he didn't want to argue with his boyfriend but Louis could just be so god damn stubborn sometimes.  
"Yeah I did, because I didn't want you to be stuck working in that disgusting club for the rest of your life either."

  
Even more annoyance flooded through Harry's body at the diss towards his bestfriend's, Zayn's, club. He had given up working with his best mate just to please his boyfriend, his boyfriend who came from a prim and proper family, who regarded anything as slightly lower class as "disgusting." It was true, the pay was utter shit, the hours he worked drained him, the people he dealt with were even more draining, but it was familiar. Working at a posh diner as a waiter was not familiar, atleast at the beginning. But he wasn't about to admit that the extra pay he got was nice, or that he was making friends with the employees there, or that he found it quite nice to work in a kitchen setting.  
"Because everything that doesn't fit your standard is disgusting, isn't it Lou?" he shot back, standing up to walk over towards him, stopping short a few feet away.  
Louis huffed, rolling his eyes, opening his mouth to speak again.

  
"And the reason why you're pressuring me to go to college, why you pressured me to get another job, is because I don't fit your standard either, do I. Does that make me disgusting too, Louis?"  
Louis' head snapped back towards Harry, eyebrows furrowed, frown pulling at his lips.  
"What the fuck Harry, no! You know I don't think about you like that, I fucking love you, this isn't anything to do with our differences, I just w-,"  
Harry laughed bitterly, shaking his head, cutting Louis off once more. "Differences? Just say it Lou. I'm nothing, the dirt under your shoe, while you, you think you're a fucking king or something, just because Mummy and Daddy are rich and can pay for everything."  
Hurt visibly flashed across Louis' features and Harry's heart hurt slightly, but he didn't let it show, too stubborn and too caught up in the argument to apologise, like always.  
"You really think that I think like that, that I think you're nothing?" Louis' voice was soft and hurt, but his eyes were hard and cold.

  
"I don't know, do you? You've never done anything that says otherwise. 'Oh Harry maybe you should get another job, oh Harry maybe you shouldn't wear that to meet my parents, oh Harry do you really want to hang around with those type of people. Harry this, Harry that. Ever since I met you, you've been trying to turn me into someone else, to mould me into the perfect little boyfriend that will impress your parents. Quite frankly, I'm fucking over it."  
The words were just tumbling out of Harry's mouth by now, and to be honest he didn't even necessarily mean the majority of them, but when Harry lost his temper, he said things without thinking with the sole intent of hurting whoever he was arguing with.  
Louis swallowed visibly, blinking a few times to will the tears not to come.  
"I-,"

  
"And before you say any bullshit about how you 'love me for who I am', listen to this, Louis. I didn't get good grades at school, I dropped out. The reason why I don't want to go to college is because I fucking can't. Zayn and I didn't meet because we were in the same class, we met in that "shitty club" while I was off my face on alcohol, and drugs. We haven't lived together since graduation, which doesn't even fucking exist because once again, I dropped out, I moved in with him shortly before you and I met because I couldn't afford the rent at my old place and Zayn cuts me some slack. Want to know why I couldn't afford rent? 'Cause I kept blowing all my money on drugs and getting pissed. The reason why you haven't met my parents yet is because they don't talk to me anymore, not since I dropped out of highschool, abused their authority, started smoking and drinking and then left without a word. Everything you think about me, is probably fucking wrong. I'm not the person you think I am Louis, who I made you believe I am."  
Louis' expression had fallen, his mouth open but no words coming out, shock clear to see in his eyes. Harry was breathing heavily, his heart racing. He couldn't quite believe he had just shattered the whole charade he had built around him, ever since he had met Louis. It was quiet apart from their breathing for a few moments, before Louis was the first to speak.

  
"We-we've been together for 6 months, known eachother longer then that, a-and you're telling me you've been lying to me the whole time?"  
Louis' eyes were watery, his words broken. Harry could feel it, feel the pain caused by seeing his boy looking like that because of him, he could feel the regret, his heart was breaking, the pieces hanging together by threads.

  
But still, all he did was nod, expression hard, emotions hidden.  
"W-why?"  
And Harry wouldn't be able to tell you why the following words came out of his mouth, why he didn't just tell Louis the truth, why he couldn't have just let Louis in. The only thing Harry was good at, was fucking things up.  
"Because you're a spoilt, pretentious, judgmental snob, just like your parents."  
The sob that came out of Louis' mouth, followed by the tears spilling down his cheeks was all Harry needed for his heart to shatter completely, a cold feeling spreading through his bones, his mind, body and spirit feeling suddenly empty.  
"I think you should go." Louis managed to choke out, and Harry didn't even try to put up a fight, didn't even look Louis in the eye. He just turned around, and he left.

  
_Present time_

  
_I've been looking for a lover_   
_Thought I'd find her in a bottle_   
_God, make me another one_   
_I'll be feeling this tomorrow_   
_Lord, forgive me for the things I've done_   
_I was never meant to hurt no one_   
_I saw scars upon a broken-hearted lover_

_Oh, no, no, don't leave me alone lonely now_   
_If you loved me how'd you never learn?_   
_Oh, coloured crimson in my eyes_   
_One or two could free my mind_   
_This is how it ends._   
_I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream_   
_Fading out again._   
_I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream_   
_So tell me when it kicks in_

  
Harry was faintly aware of someone grinding up behind him, but he didn't turn around to see who it was, because he knew as soon as he saw that the person didn't have blue eyes, or feathery caramel hair, he would be disappointed, and Harry didn't want to feel that right now, so instead he continued to loose himself to the music, moving along with the bodies who were dancing around him, forgetting, forgetting, forgetting.  
His mind was buzzing, his thoughts were jumbled, his skin was prickling. He was guessing all of what he was feeling wasn't just due to the alcohol he had downed, but most likely it was because of that small white pill he had swallowed half an hour ago. He didn't even really know what it was, all he knew was that he had ran into one of his old dealers, who had offered him one, and he had gladly accepted it.

  
It wasn't until he was stumbling, tripping over his feet, sweating, trying to get to the restroom that he regretted mixing alcohol with drugs. Once he managed to find his way there, despite the world spinning around him, he collapsed beside the toilet. Barely a second later he began vomiting, emptying everything in his stomach, the toxic substances he had shovelled into his body, sliding back up his throat roughly. There were tears in his eyes, vomit was clogging his throat, coming out of his nose. He began to sob, his body felt like it was on fire, his head was heavy. He couldn't breathe.  
He wanted Louis.  
He was faintly aware of a hand rubbing his shoulder, could just make out Niall's thick irish accent, but his ears were ringing. He rested an arm on the toilet seat, then leaned his forehead on his arm, sobs racking through his body.  
"Harry, mate? Are you okay? Should I take you to the hospital? What'd you take?" Niall was rushing out, hand rubbing up and down Harry's back, worry lacing his voice. Harry managed to shake his head, wincing at the movement. He had been through this enough times to know that he wasn't going to die, atleast he hoped so.  
After a few minutes of Niall rubbing his back, of just sitting there trying to regain his breathing, letting the sobs slowly stop, his brain began to slightly unfog. When he lifted his head, pain shot through his entire body, but he ignored it.

  
Niall's breath hitched when he took in Harry's bloodshot and glazed eyes, his pale expression and his tear stained cheeks.  
"Could you get me some water?" he managed to croak out, his voice raw, words slightly muffled together. Niall nodded quickly, telling Harry to stay there and not to move.  
Niall was quick to leave the restroom, making his way through the crowd of people until he got back to the bar. He grabbed a glass and filled it up with water, but before he went back to Harry he stopped, placing the glass on the counter. He hesitated as he pulled out his phone, but then he was shaking his head, pressing call and putting it up to his ear.  
"Hello?" Louis answered, his voice thick with sleep, and Niall felt slightly guilty for waking him in the middle of the night.  
"Louis, hey. It's Niall."  
"Yeah, I know, I saw your name on my screen, why're you calling me so late?"  
Niall bit his lip before answering.  
"It's Harry."  
Niall heard an intake of breath and then some shuffling around.  
"What about Harry? Where is he? Is he okay?"  
"He's..he's okay, I suppose. No, not really actually, he's fucked up right now, Lou, he's like out of it and currently spewing his guts up in the club's toilet. I think he took something, but he said he doesn't need to go to the hospital, and he's like sobbing and shit, he looks rough. He...he said he didn't want me to call you, but Zayn's out of town, I can't just leave and.. you're the only other person he's got."

  
He could hear more shuffling around coming from Louis' end, and then;  
"I'm coming, should be there in no more than ten minutes. Look after him for me, okay?"  
Niall nodded, sighing in relief. They hung up, and then Niall picked the glass back up, heading back to the restroom.  
Harry had moved so that he was leaning against the restroom wall, his head leaned back against it, hair matted, sticking to his sweaty face. His knees were drawn up to his chest, and when Niall knelt down to put his hand on one, Harry blinked open his eyes slowly.  
Harry took the glass and gulped down the water, the coolness soothing his burning throat, and he sighed heavily. Niall's eyes floated around, taking in his rough appearance, the vomit that was staining his white shirt, the way his eyes were glazed over and emotionless.

  
"Jesus Harry, I haven't seen you like this since you met Louis, the fuck happened?"  
Harry winced, shaking his head, letting his head loll to the side, looking away from Niall. There were a few tears threatening to spill over, so he lifted one heavy arm and rubbed at them, blinking through the glaze. Niall sighed, sliding down the wall to sit beside Harry, trying to ignore how disgusting and germ riddled the room was. They sat there in relative silence, Niall panicking everytime Harry closed his eyes, in fear that he'd pass out, but everytime his eyes fluttered shut, they blinked open again a few minutes later. Niall looked up hopefully everytime someone entered, but it was only ever a group of drunken lads, who barely even glanced at them as they walked past. Until, Niall spotted a familiar body walk through the restroom door.

  
"Shit, Haz." Louis breathed, rushing over to Harry, dropping to his knees infront of him. Harry furrowed his eyebrows as he heard the familiar nickname and the familiar voice, and when he opened his eyes all he could see was the blue blue blue of Louis' own.  
His own eyes widened, and his heart lurched in his chest. He wasn't believing what he was seeing and began to panic, pushing himself up higher against the wall, shaking his head. Part of him was pretty sure that he was hallucinating, the other part of him just didn't want the pain that came with seeing Louis' face again.  
"Haz, hey, no, shhh." Louis leaned forward, carefully cradling the side of Harry's face, effectively stopping his panic and struggling, grounding him. Straight away Harry leaned into the touch, a sob escaping him. The sight infront of him was tearing Louis' heart to pieces, Harry looked so sickly, he was pale, his eyes were glazed and bloodshot, his hair was matted, his clothes were ruined. Their fight, everything that Harry had said, disappeared from his mind completely as he rubbed his thumb softly across Harry's sticky cheek.  
"Oh baby," he sighed sadly, blinking away the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes. Harry closed his eyes tightly, leaning all his weight into Louis' hand, forgetting, for just a second, about all the shit he had caused.

  
"Let's get you home, yeah?" Louis asked softly, trying his best to offer a reassuring smile as Harry opened his eyes and looked at him. It was silent for a bit, as Harry pondered on the idea, and then the only inclination he gave to say that he agreed was a slight nod of his head.  
Getting Harry out of the club and into Louis' car took a bit of effort, seeing that Harry was bigger than him, with giraffe like limbs and no coordination because he was still intoxicated. The drive back to Louis' flat was silent, Louis spent the entire drive chewing his lip anxiously, gaze flicking to Harry every few seconds to make sure that he was okay. Harry spent the drive with his forehead pressed against the cool glass of the window, watching the city around him, trying his best to swallow it down everytime he felt like he needed to be sick. Everything felt hazy, like it was a dream, like nothing that was happening was real. He barely even registered the fact that they pulled up at Louis' flat, or that Louis managed to haul him through the front door by himself, next thing he knew Louis was gently lying him down onto his bed.  
Harry sobbed out a groan as his head hit the pillow, the familiar smell of the boy he loved making him feel even more intoxicated.

  
Louis turned on the lamp that was on the bedside table and then sat down on the edge of the bed, running his hand through Harry's hair, getting the curls out of his face. He put his palm against Harry's forehead and noticed that he was still hot. The sweating had died down, but his skin was still sticky and clammy.  
Harry had his eyes open, they were watching Louis' face intently, and even though the alcohol was still causing his brain to not work up to speed, he couldn't help but think; 'Why is he helping me?'  
"I think we should get you out of these jeans and shirt, babe, does that sound okay?" Louis asked softly, startling Harry out of his thoughts. Harry simply nodded, trying to undo his belt with his own hands, but his fingers were shaking and weren't listening to him. When Louis softly grabbed Harry's hands and moved them out of the way, smiling at him reassuringly, he had to look up at the ceiling, some tears escaping his eyes once more.  
After some struggle, Louis managed to peel Harry's skintight black jeans off of his legs, and after helping Harry into a sitting position, he pulled his shirt off, trying not to gag at the smell of vomit radiating off of it. Straight away, Harry laid back down, closing his eyes, feeling slightly better now that he was free from his restricting clothes. Louis looked at him, his eyes trailing down Harry's chest. He reached out and softly let his fingers dance across the butterfly tattoo on his stomach, one of his personal favourites. He couldn't help but think of how many times he had kissed that very same tattoo, his lips always lingering there the longest, and the very same feeling he had been feeling all day, the feeling of sadness, began to awaken within him again, his eyes growing teary.

  
Harry had fluttered open his eyes when he felt Louis tracing his tattoo, and watching Louis' expression turn from something soft and loving to something sad felt like a punch to his gut. When Louis caught Harry watching him, he blushed slightly, shaking his head.  
"I'm gonna get you another glass of water, be back in a sec."  
He hurriedly left his room, and while he was in the kitchen he took his time getting himself back under control, wiping at the tears that were sliding down his cheeks. After a few minutes he walked back to Harry, handing him the glass. Harry sat up with a wince and gulped it down quickly, managing to mutter out a "thanks", the first words he had spoken to Louis since their fight. Louis put it down on the bedside table, and then he helped Harry get under the covers. After asking Harry if he needed anything else, the larger boy responding with a shake of his head, he offered one last sad smile, and stood up, about to leave, ready to sleep on the couch for the night, but Harry's rumbling voice stopped him in his tracks.

  
"Lou.."  
Louis visibly swallowed, turning back around. Harry's eyes were getting teary, and he raised a hand to rub at them. He didn't want to be left alone, he knew Louis had every right to let him suffer by himself, but he wanted to be selfish, even if it was for one last time.  
"I-you, ugh." he cleared his throat, shaking his head.  
"Please stay with me."  
Louis' breath hitched slightly, and he looked at Harry's sombre expression, the way he still looked too pale, the way his eyes were watery and red. There was no way he was going to be able to deny Harry anything at that moment.  
"'Course, love." he said softly. Harry sighed in relief, closing his eyes. Louis shucked off his shirt and sweatpants, before he carefully climbed into bed with Harry. Slowly, he got under the covers, and then leaned over the bigger boy to switch the lamp off, blanketing the room in darkness.  
He laid himself down, staring up into the darkness, not knowing what to do with himself, if he should just lie here without touching the boy beside him. But when he heard Harry softly whimper, any doubts flew from his mind. He turned around, draping an arm across Harry's chest, pulling him closer, his head coming to settle in the junction between Harry's neck and shoulder.  
"It's okay baby, I've got you."  
Harry let out a breath, and it smelt like a mixture of alcohol and sick, but Louis couldn't find himself caring. He softly kissed Harry's shoulder, letting his lips rest there, inhaling deeply. Harry turned his head and buried his nose in Louis' hair, closing his eyes, breathing him in, his arm came up and rested over the arm Louis had slung across his chest.  
Eventually, the both of them fell asleep, wrapped up in eachother.

  
  
Harry woke up alone. As soon as he opened his eyes he was instantly aware of the empty spot beside him in the bed, and he was also instantly aware of the churning in his stomach and the throbbing in his head. He just managed to make it to the bathroom before he vomited, clutching at Louis' toilet tightly, coughing harshly. His head was pounding, there was a sharp pain behind his eyes, and his whole body felt stiff and heavy.  
He jumped slightly when he felt a hand softly rub the spot between his shoulder blades, and he didn't need to look up to know that it was Louis. The other boy knelt down beside Harry, his hand never leaving the bigger boy's back. He put down the glass of water he held as Harry began to splutter again, instead using it to pull Harry's curls back from off of his face.  
They stayed like that for a while, Harry coughing and spitting into the toilet, one of Louis' hands rubbing comforting circles on Harry's back, the other running through his curls. Harry sighed heavily, he had never had someone to comfort him after a big night. Whenever he went out with Louis, they only ever get slightly drunk, not enough to make them wake up in the state that Harry was currently in.

  
Eventually, Harry stopped, his stomach feeling empty. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and leaned back, turning to look at Louis for the first time since last night.  
Louis looked just as soft as he always did in the morning, his hair slightly ruffled, wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants. A sharp contrast to Harry, who's eyes were bloodshot, dark circles blooming beneath them.  
Louis' gaze fluttered around his face for a second before he picked up the glass of water, handing it to Harry. He also passed him an aspirin.  
"Drink." he said simply, yet softly. Harry took the glass and the pill, swallowing the pill straight away, then gulping down the rest of the water.  
After handing back the glass, Louis rubbed Harry's back one last time, before he got up and left, heading back to the kitchen. After a few more minutes sitting beside the toilet, Harry managed to push himself up. He wanted nothing more than to curl back up in bed, preferably with his boy, but then he realised he probably couldn't call Louis his boy anymore, and he knew he couldn't just crawl back into Louis' bed. He walked over to the sink and grabbed the spare toothbrush Louis kept around for him to use, eager to wash away not only the morning breath, but the hangover and vomit breath too.

  
As he walked through Louis' bedroom after brushing his teeth, he hesitated. He should probably put on some pants. He knew he had a pair of his own there somewhere, so he quickly stopped and went through Louis' drawers, but he came back empty handed. Huh. He furrowed his eyebrows, wandering where the hell his pair of sweatpants went. It wasn't until he walked into the kitchen, that he realised. His eyes landed on the pair of pants hanging low on Louis' body, the ends rolled up a few times. He could tell straight away that they were his, since Louis always had to roll up the ends of Harry's clothes because they were always too big. Seeing Louis in his clothes still did something to him, and his heart yearned for the smaller boy.  
He adverted his eyes, standing in the doorway awkwardly. Eventually Louis noticed him, and stopped what he was doing.  
"Oh, uh. I don't know if you're hungry or not, but I made some toast."  
Harry slowly walked over to the table where Louis set down the plate, pulling out a chair carefully, sitting down.  
"Thanks, Lou." he said softly, as he pulled the plate over to him. He wasn't hungry, but he had been through the same thing enough times to know that he needed food in his body, and so he took a few reluctant bites. Louis sat down opposite to him, a cup of tea in his hands. The air around them was tense, silent and awkward.  
After Harry finished one bit of toast, he cleared his throat awkwardly.  
"Look, Lou-"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Louis shook his head, looking away. "I don't know if I want to hear it, Harry." Harry bit his lip, looking at Louis with pleading eyes when the blue eyed boy slowly turned back to him.

"Please Louis, you have to let me explain. Please." he pleaded. Louis' gaze was heavy as he watched him, making a decision, and when he nodded Harry exhaled a breath of air.  
"I said a lot of shit I didn't mean yesterday, Louis. A lot of shit."  
Louis bit his own lip, nodding his head, his eyes not lifting up from the table.  
"I was just.. I was angry, and not at you, at myself, I was frustrated. Because you have everything Louis, you have a chance at a real career, you have parents who are still in your life, you have money, you have friends who have a good reputation, you have a nice flat. I don't, Lou. And I lied to you because when I met you I so desperately wanted to call you mine, but I was scared that if you found out where I was from, or how fucked up I was, you'd pay no attention to me. And then suddenly, you were mine, and I was even more scared that you'd leave me after I got so bloody attached to you. And I know it's stupid, and it's wrong, and I'm a fucking idiot. I'm so sorry."  
Louis slowly looked up, his eyes were watery, much like Harry's own.  
"I don't think you're a snob, you're the most wonderful, most beautiful person in the entire world, which is why I was scared to tell you the truth. So many times I wanted to, but I'm a coward. I'm an idiot, I'm such an idiot Louis, I love you so much and none of that shit I said yesterday, I meant. I'd take it all back if I could, the lying part too. And I promise you, nothing else in our relationship was a lie. Only the shit I brought up yesterday."  
Louis studied him for a moment before he spoke.

  
"And what about the drugs and stuff?" he asked softly, carefully. Harry tilted his head slightly.  
"What about them?" he asked just as softly.  
"Did you use them while we were together? Did you ever go as hard as you did last night?"  
Harry sighed, shaking his head.  
"You were enough reason for me to stop fucking with them, hell I was high off of you, I didn't need anything else to make me high. And the only times I went out I was with you. Last night happened because I was hurting, bad, and I wanted to fuck myself up so I couldn't feel anything, which is what I used to do. But I used to find it fun, last night wasn't fun. It was torture. The whole point was to forget about you, but all I could think about the entire night was how much I love you, and how much of a fuckup I am."  
Louis made a strangled sound, and Harry looked up as Louis pushed out his chair and rounded the table. He was confused, until Louis pulled him up by his arms and crashed into him, wrapping his arms around Harry's body tightly, fitting his head between Harry's neck and shoulder. Harry was quick to return it, his arms curling around the smaller boy, pulling him in tighter. He nosed Louis' hair, breathing him in, sighing contently.

  
"You're not a fuckup, Haz." Louis said, his breath causing goosebumps to rise on Harry's skin. Harry didn't answer, he didn't know if he could without starting to cry, so he tightly squeezed his eyes shut and buried his nose deeper into Louis' hair, kissing the top of his head softly.  
"You may have done some fucked up things, but you aren't a fuckup."  
Harry swallowed down the lump in his throat, tightening his arms even more around his boy's smaller frame. The two were silent for a bit, before Louis pulled back, arms sliding up Harry's body until they reached his face, where he cupped his cheeks. Harry nuzzled into the touch, smiling softly, eyes gazing in to Louis' watery blue ones.  
"The only reason I did those things, with your job and college and who you hang around with, is because I want the best for you H. I love you so fucking much, and you deserve so much. You're smarter then what you know, and all I want is for you to have the world. I'm sorry if you ever thought I was doing it for myself, but I was only ever doing it for you. Because I love you. So much. For who you are. I don't care about your past Harry, I care about you. Only you. I love you. And I don't care about what my parents think about you, love, because you're my boy."

  
Harry blinked a few times, a few stray tears sliding down his cheeks. Louis used his thumbs to brush them away, smiling softly. Harry leaned forward and kissed Louis' forehead, leaving his lips lingering there.  
"I love you too, Louis." he mumbled against Louis' skin, and Louis smiled, leaning forward to kiss Harry's neck softly, hands sliding down to wrap around his neck.  
"Does this mean I get another chance? I can try and make it up to you?" Harry asked as he pulled back, hands sliding up, fingers tangling in the soft hair at the nape of Louis' neck.  
There was a glimmer in Louis' eyes as he grinned up at his boyfriend, tilting his head cheekily.  
"Well, we have alot of talking to do, but you can't get rid of me that easily, Styles."  
Harry matched Louis' grin, his dimple popping for the first time in a while. The two shared a fond, lovesick gaze for a few moments before Harry ducked his head forward, capturing the other boy's lips with his own, causing Louis to sigh happily and sink in to the touch.  
And in that moment, holding his boy, Harry's heart threaded itself back together, and the cold that had previously filled his body, was replaced with warmth.


End file.
